Wednesday, 20 March 2013

Saturday night tears

I spent last Saturday night sobbing to my husband.

There are 2 things of which I am certain. He will have an affair and leave me, and I will die early, due to either ovarian or cervical cancer, and my boys will not remember me. My brain is very specific about both of these things.

And I cried and cried because knowing that this is what will happen is so very, very painful and I don't understand why my brain functions this way and I don't know how to change the way I think. It's all too big, too much.

I know I need to take control and there are practical things I can do to help, like booking a smear test and trying to rebuild my flagging self-esteem, but it's an uphill battle when your brain's telling you "what's the point? this won't change anything, there's no point in trying".

The thing is, if I died today, I would look back on my life with regret. It's littered with missed opportunities and inaction. Husband says it's good that I have this knowledge because I can do something about it. But that essential spark that fires you up to try new experiences and follow your dreams is missing and I can't seem to get started.

I look on with envy as family and friends embrace their work, hobbies and pretty much any creative idea that jumps to mind and I think why aren't I doing that? I have ideas. I want to find out what it is I feel really passionate about. I want to create. Why can't I get started?

Logically, I know the only thing that's stopping me is me but how do you get past that? I really need some ideas because I want more out of my life. Seriously, if you have any suggestions, please let me know xx


Distressed Housewife said...

You're depressed, hun, by the sound of it. Take it from someone who knows! Personally, much as I hate the idea of antidepressants, I didn't like being in my own head and was full of overwhelmingly negative thoughts (sound familiar?). I went to the doctor (under duress) and he put me on Citalopram. Don't stop you feeling, just give you more perspective. Would NEVER normally recommend an 'unnatural' approach, bur sometimes we all need a bit of help... Feel better, hun. You strike me as a lovely person with lots to offer :) xxx

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